Black & Kinky Amongst Brown Waves


critical feedback requested on poem of the week
October 18, 2011, 11:56 pm
Filed under: DC life

i wrote this the other morning and i think it’s a good start, but it needs some help.  it may have ended too quickly or it may need something to drive it forward. thoughts?

 

gulls
(c) 2011 by margaux delotte-bennett

is there anything sadder
than seagulls without the sea?
namesake forsaken
landscape all wrong
circling vast parking lots
without a crest in sight

birdsong displaced
as it bounces against the walls and windows
of chain stores filled
with things that will end up at
the bottom of the sea
eventually

smooth landings made for
ship masts
docks
buoys and barges
now wasted on
light posts
abandoned cars
garbage cans

a fresh fish diet
degenerated to
hardened cheese on paper wrappers
discarded chicken bones
perversely circled and
fought over

our consumption
has not only
made a mockery of what we call life
sadly, it has done
the same
for you.

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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

love the metaphors and the seaside imagery, smiles/
handsome poetry.

Comment by Jingle Poetry The Gooseberry Garden

keep it up,

check us out, share your poetry with us, we are open from

sunday 2pm to Thursday, 8pm,

hope to see you in.

smiles.

Happy November.

Comment by Jingle Poetry The Gooseberry Garden




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