Black & Kinky Amongst Brown Waves


a poem about my humble beginnings…
October 5, 2010, 10:51 pm
Filed under: family, self reflection

so friday is my 35th birthday and i must confess that i am a but unsettled by  the number.  it feels… heavier… than other birthdays and i am having some trouble embracing it.  i know that i will eventually be ok with it, but not today or possibly even this week…

the poem that i am posting this week may also seem a bit unsettling at first, but it is a raw assessment of how i feel i came to be.  it may not be finished yet, but it IS ready to take flight, out of my poetry book and into your eyes.  I am not sure yet if it will be in our next Saartjie Project show, but it is important to say that it was informed by Nina Simone’s song Four Women, especially Saffronia’s verse.

Love Child  (c) by margaux delotte-bennett

i must not have been a love child

more like a stay a little while girl child

mum told me that she cried

when she discovered she was pregnant

her marriage was a mess

my father was restless with the idea of

“to have and to hold from this day forward…”

he must have planted the seed that was to become me

without much thought

without being sought

but possibly being caught in a moment of fleeting love.

i must not have been a love child

more like a stay a little while girl child

because 2 years may feel like ages for some

but in the pages of a marriage that is supposed to last a life time

it’s just a snap

and done

i see my mum huddled in the bathroom

sobbing

because she is with child

not because i was unwanted

but because she knew

it would soon be just her with 2 mouths to feed

and here comes another seed

that would need divided attention

some my brother would surely earn

and i could possibly learn to glean

that which my father forfeited by leaving the scene

not far enough to be completely out of the picture

only a hand and foot remained in the frame

a hand to pay child support

and a foot to repeatedly walk out

on those days when a gild child might want a daddy

a father

a pop into reality where absence  turns to presence

and he chooses to show up.

i must not have been a love child

though i was a girl child loved deeply

it was apparent that my one parent struggled

and succeeded to be enough

toughed out the rough patches when having a partner

having a man

could make certain struggles a bit easier to stand

and she soared through a score of years

on her own.

i might not have been a love child

but love child i now be

family of 3 turned to 4 and more

now father figure

adored

mother chose to soar with a new set of wings

no longer clipped, but reinforced

by a divine and replenishing source of love and light

love child or not

i must fight

to claim this space

and call the shots

ready

or

not.

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